Motherhood
Overwhelmed Mom
By Karen Gibson
Jul 31, 2005, 18:49

Once you become a mom, your life is no longer your own. Some moms will be horrified at my decision to run away from my family for an entire week. Other moms may admire my bravery for following my desire to seek some personal peace. I actually amazed myself when I followed my impulse to pack a small suitcase, book the next available flight to my favorite island (Kauai) and make reservations to check into the largest suite the Sheraton had to offer. Why did I suddenly feel the need to escape?

It all started one afternoon when I picked up my three boys, Michael (age 6), James (age 8) and Thomas (age 13) from school. As soon as the car door opened, all I heard was a mixture of demanding voices. "Mom! I want a snack from McDonalds," screamed Michael as if he hadn't eaten all day.

"Mom! Can you help me with my social studies project? It's due tomorrow and I totally forgot about it," my eldest son's voice was filled with panic. Why was I not surprised at his habitual procrastination? A part of me wanted to teach him a lesson and refuse to rescue him. If I always bailed him out, he would take it for granted that planning ahead wasn't necessary. Mom (or someone) would always lend a hand and help him out. The other part of me knew I'd end up helping him. I couldn't let him just fail or turn in an incomplete project. Wasn't it an indication that I was a negligent parent if I didn't play an active role in my children's academic lives?

"Mom! Can you bake cupcakes for my class since my birthday is the day after tomorrow?" my youngest requested, in that irritating whine that seems to somehow work to his advantage. I could see my evening filled with working on a school project in addition to baking cupcakes while making dinner and catching up on two loads of laundry.

Suddenly, I found myself filled with resentment. It was almost as if I transformed into a rebellious teenager, not wanting to carry out my responsibilities. There's got to be a way to keep my sanity without neglecting my parental duties. I needed to treat myself to a facial, massage or manicure soon. I found myself daydreaming of my personal Utopia. My world of perfection would include a housekeeper to handle all household chores so I'd never have to cook a meal. She would also discipline my children, and be their personal tutor. Everything would be taken care of and my life would be void of any stress.

Guilt overcame me as I realized I'd be abandoning my responsibilities as a mother and wife. Why are husbands guilt-free when it comes to going out after work for a beer or hanging out with their friends? I decided to dump my feelings of guilt and drop my kids off at their grandparents so I could seek just an hour of peace. I needed a mini break, perhaps browse through a bookstore or visit a friend. I had been neglecting my own needs recently. Wasn't I entitled to recognize my needs and desires? Well, the hour of peace I sought eventually turned into a week.

Let me tell you a little about my marriage, and you may empathize rather than criticize my decision to take a break from my chaotic life. Spencer and I have been together for 15 years, married for 13 of those years. At times, I feel as though I'm riding an emotional roller coaster. All couples have their ups and downs, and lately, it feels as if we've hit an all time low. If we were a company, I think we'd be facing a possible bankruptcy. We seem to have grown apart, accustomed to our own schedules and no genuine desire to make time for each other in our daily planners. The boys monopolize most of my time, and Spencer is a prisoner of his accounting firm.

I thought I could accept living the life of single parent with the benefits a marriage offers. We don't dislike one another, rarely argue, but it's more like we're roommates while occasionally share intimacy on those nights when we long for physical closeness. Perhaps we both yearn for that strong bond and physical attraction we shared in the beginning. Has it been nearly two decades since we fell in love? I started questioning whether all marriages eventually lost the key to success: genuine passion and commitment.

After experiencing a myriad of emotions ranging from depression to frustration, I decided to take action. My first step was to share my overwhelm with my parents, who willingly agreed to take their grandsons for an entire week. My second step was to sit down with Spencer and share my predicament. He seemed to feel compassion and wanted to be supportive, and his blessing made it easier to carry out my plan.

Part of me was hurt that he didn't offer to join me. However, the tax season was here, making it nearly impossible for him to take any time off. His endless piles of returns and demanding clients made it easy for me to accept this incredible opportunity to escape from being a mom and wife. It's not like he'd really miss me when he would be spending 10 - 15 hours a day at the office.

I visualized myself playing tourist and enjoying the amenities of my favorite resort. This beautiful island, surrounded by pristine sandy beaches, awaited my arrival. Feeling like a child about to explore Disneyland for the first time, I convinced myself that I earned this mini vacation.

I believe everyone who has the desire to experience Paradise must make it a priority to visit the beautiful lush island of Kauai. I told myself I just needed an entire day to myself, but soon realized that I'd need more time to truly enjoy the island of my dreams.

"Good afternoon, Mrs. Crystal Clark, how many in your party?" the hotel clerk assumed that I was on a family getaway. I couldn't ignore her shocked look when I answered.

"Just me," I proudly replied.

"Are you here on business?" she asked innocently, but I felt like a naughty student questioned by the school's principal.

"Actually, I'm on a little vacation," my voice seemed to betray my guilt. I reminded myself that I deserved to have some much needed R & R. Thoughts of dealing with my three demanding boys, a load of housework, and an empty marriage erased my guilt.

"Good for you. Enjoy your stay, Ms. Clark," she seemed genuinely happy for me. As if she was a mom who knew that I deserved a little escape from my chaotic world.

The next seven days were filled with many memorable moments. Approaching forty in the next few months, I did a lot of soul searching on the pristine sandy beaches while ordering room service for breakfast and late night snacks. I thought I'd have a difficult time returning to reality, but the following encounter made me want to rush home to my chaotic family life as soon as possible.

It all happened when I was relaxing by the pool and observed a woman about my age laying on the chair beside me. She appeared lost in thought before engaging in a very enlightening conversation with me. It was my sixth day away from my family, and I was feeling super relaxed, and extremely stress-free.

"You look so content," she smiled wistfully at me. There was an indescribable sadness in her eyes that must have been caused by some major traumatic event. Perhaps she, too, was filled with guilt from running away from her family.

"Actually, I am, at the moment. Would you believe I packed a bag and left my family this morning? I felt totally overwhelmed and needed to escape before I ended up harming one of my children," I confessed, feeling a bond with this woman who was a complete stranger to me. Her reply changed my entire perspective on how I viewed my marriage and family.

"I remember those chaotic moments. I would give anything to experience the hectic insanity you escaped," I knew she was about to reveal the secret that caused those sad eyes of torment.

"You say it as if you no longer will ever experience chaos again," I laughed, not knowing that what she would share would have such a profound impact on me.

"There's no easy way to say this, but my husband and two sons were killed in a car accident about a year ago. I treated myself to this vacation because I couldn't bear being at home on the anniversary of their deaths. A drunk driver collided into them about a mile before they returned home from a soccer game," she shed no tears as she shared a mother's worst nightmare. It seemed as if she was experiencing a sense of closure by sharing her nightmare with a complete stranger.

My eyes filled with tears as I responded, "Oh my God! I'm so sorry, I I I don't know what to say." I wished I had the words of comfort, but knew that just listening to her sharing her pain would be therapeutic.

I don't recall the rest of my encounter with this stranger who never revealed her name. I don't believe in chance encounters. I knew that she entered my life for a reason. She made me appreciate being surrounded by three healthy sons and a busy husband who was still willing to be married long after the passion died. He might be a workaholic, but I had faith that with some counseling and effort, we could bring our marriage back to life. If we persevered, and found ways to bring the passion back, who knows, we could be celebrating our anniversary in this same resort next year.

Isn't it amazing how one's perspective can change so drastically after hearing someone's tragic tale? I no longer felt frustrated with my life. I was filled with optimism and hoped that Spencer would be willing to do whatever was necessary to bring our marriage back to life. Thoughts of courting each other, taking time to share special moments and perhaps even re-doing our marriage vows filled my mind. I wanted to thank the woman by the pool for opening my eyes. I had so much to be thankful for, and so much to look forward to in life. A fresh start was waiting for me, along with three boys who probably missed their mom more than they would admit.

I ended up catching the next flight home and as soon as I opened the door, all three boys rushed into my arms. They gave me the tightest hug, and it felt like I had been gone a month instead of a week. My husband surprised me with a bouquet of flowers and the most passionate kiss we had shared in eons. It was such an awesome feeling to know that my family actually missed my presence.

"Mom! You re home!" screamed my youngest, Michael. I wondered if a part of him questioned if I'd ever return. It was the first time I left him for such a long time. I hadn't called once during my vacation, too occupied with reclaiming my sanity.

"Finally, Mom! I thought you weren't ever coming back!" a huge sigh of relief from my eldest, Thomas. Did he really think I would have left them forever?

"Mom! I missed you so much!" James gave me the biggest hug and kiss which was quite out of character. He rarely expressed his emotions, unless it was to whine or demand something he felt was owed to him.

The look on Spencer's face was worth all the jewels in the world. The house was a complete pigsty, but all I could see was the loving looks from my family. They might overwhelm me at times, but contemplating life without them would be my worst nightmare. I thanked the stranger at the pool who taught me a very crucial life lesson. My family might be responsible for creating my insanity, but where would I be without them? I'd be a woman with the saddest eyes, longing for the chaos they so easily create.

So, if you're feeling a bit overwhelmed, and pondering whether to escape from your family, maybe you just need to create some balance in your life. Schedule a few hours every week for yourself. An afternoon at the spa, a night out with your girlfriends or even going shopping by yourself can rejuvenate you more than you realize. I discovered that running away isn't the solution. The way to balance and achieve peace resides within our soul. Find a hobby, volunteer at a charity, find something that brings passion into your life. Something as simple as creating your own vegetable garden or taking a cooking class can change your outlook. Overwhelm is caused when you feel that there is no time for you. I stopped blaming my children and my husband. It was up to me to make time for me. Once I made time for me, every thing else seemed to fall into place. I hope I can prevent at least one overwhelmed mom from running away from her family.

I learned such a valuable lesson: Escaping from problems never solves them. Every problem comes with its own solution. We just need to look within (sometimes an encounter with a stranger can guide us in the right direction) and give ourselves time to discover the answer.

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Karen Gibson founded Brain Builders, a private tutoring company, in 1999. She combines 5 years as a special education teacher as well as 5 years as the marketing director for the Hawaii State Bar Association in her new profession: marketing education. Her recent brain research has inspired her to teach classes aimed at students of all ages in improving their mental alertness. She balances her business goals while raising her two daughters, ages 3 and 9. Her husband, Thomas, supports her career goals and balances family life while owning three businesses.

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