Despite their best efforts, many parents feel that their kids just don't understand—or care about—the sacrifices that have to be made as a result of the current economic environment. Dr. Jim Dincalci warns against letting frustration and resentment against your kids grow any more than it already has.

These kids are impossible!" If you've found yourself uttering this particular phrase at increasingly frequent intervals, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that things at your house have probably been more stressful than usual. The question is, why? According to author Dr. Jim Dincalci, the answer might surprise you. It's possible that you're harboring resentment toward your own kids because times are tough—and they're acting like nothing's changed!

"We've all felt the pinch of the current economic environment, and for many people, circumstances are close to desperate," points out Dr. Dincalci, author of How to Forgive When You Can't: The Breakthrough Guide to Free Your Heart & Mind (The Forgiveness Foundation, 2010, ISBN: 978-0-9824307-0-5, $15.95). "However, no matter how often you explain things to your kids, they just don't seem to get it."

Imagine this: your teenage daughter is still in the shower at the 20-minute mark, your middle son is whining that he wants to go out because he's tired of eating meals at home, and your youngest is complaining that he's lost his iPod—and he insists that he just has to get another one. Meanwhile, you're trying to perform a checking-account miracle, hoping that you can last till payday without having to dip into your dwindling savings. And all the while, you're seething internally because you feel like you're the only one who understands that changes need to be made. These days, it's a pretty common scenario.

"Several things need to happen in this situation," Dr. Dincalci instructs. "As a parent, you can—and should—take steps to ensure that your kids adjust their behavior. However, you also need to look inside yourself and make sure that you're not harboring buried resentment toward your children because they seem unappreciative of the hard work you've been putting in to keep the family finances afloat."

Dr. Dincalci speaks from experience. In addition to being a parent (along with all of the trials, tribulations, and, yes, numerous joys that the position entails), he has spent forty-one years working in healing therapies and nine years teaching forgiveness therapy in venues ranging from universities to hospitals.

"A majority of people misunderstand forgiveness," he says. "They don't understand what it truly means to forgive. They don't understand when forgiveness needs to happen—and they especially don't understand the negative things that happen in their lives when forgiveness isn't present."

Read on for more insight into why there may be a fundamental misunderstanding over money at your house—and what you can do to make sure that any resulting bitterness doesn't eat away at your family's well-being!

First, track down the stress culprit. Believe it or not, it might not be obvious to you that you're harboring resentment toward your kids. Why? Well, quite simply, you love them! And no matter how frustrating or aggravating their behavior has been, there are still myriad joys that come from being a parent.

"Because parents do delight in their children, they often don't process resentment when it bubbles up, and it's difficult for them to figure out why they're quick-fused," Dr. Dincalci explains. "However, chances are you haven't forgiven little Johnny for his cavalier financial attitude if you tend to flare up most hotly when he treats his belongings carelessly—and in the course of lecturing him, you bring up fifty other related offenses he's committed in the past few weeks! Clearly, you haven't come close to letting go."

Next, make sure your kid-centric expectations are realistic. Obviously, you can't expect a three-year-old to understand that she shouldn't slam her toys around because replacing them costs money. But you can expect a ten-year-old to know better than to leave his expensive bike out in the rain—especially if you have explained to him the importance of taking care of what he has. (And, yes, you do have the right to be frustrated if he's said again and again, "I get it"—and yet, his bike is rusting in front of your very eyes.)

"Of course parents should take into account their kids' developmental levels in issues of forgiveness," Dr. Dincalci confirms. "We all know that due to age or maturity level, some children might not be able to grasp the logic behind what you're trying to convey, and as a result, their behavior won't change long-term. In fact, the human brain doesn't finish developing until around age twenty-one! Before embarking on the forgiveness process, it's imperative that you ascertain just where your child stands on this scale so that you don't place blame unfairly."

Identify who (or what) you're upset with. Depending on the conclusions you've come to regarding your kids' abilities to do their money-saving parts, it's time to decide where to direct your forgiveness. After all, you can't let go of resentment until you know exactly where it's coming from.

"In the case of the ten-year-old and his neglected bike, your anger—and thus your eventual forgiveness—are directed at him, individually, since he should have known better," Dr. Dincalci explains. "However, you can't—and don't—expect similar comprehension from your three-year-old. Chances are, rather than being directed specifically at her occasionally destructive exuberance, your frustration stems from your financial situation as a whole."

Figure out where the irresponsibility may be coming from. Don't forget that kids are sponges and that they learn a vast majority of their attitudes and behaviors from others. Even though it's hard for parents to admit, in many instances they've created their children's unappreciative and materialistic mindsets themselves, either through direct example or by allowing their kids to have too much.

"Of course, kids also pick up various mindsets from their friends, from their schools, and from other adults," points out Dr. Dincalci. "Don't beat yourself up too badly if your kids have an easy-come-easy-go attitude—but do take responsibility for your part, and realize that they aren't acting this way just to tick you off. Also, remember that because mindsets are learned and developed, change won't happen overnight!"

Understand the consequences of not forgiving... No, this isn't a tiff you can ignore till it goes away. Most people think that forgiveness is largely about changing your relationship and feelings toward other people—in this case, your children. And that's partly true, says Dr. Dincalci. However, it's also about changing your relationship with yourself to promote your own peace and health—both mental and physical.

"By holding on to resentment and anger, you're mainly limiting your own happiness and peace of mind—and by extension, that of your kids," he explains. "It's possible that your kids' behavior is affecting your ability to be a good parent because you see them as 'joy robbers,' and as such, you're more reluctant to interact with them. You have to make a change—and only when you've consciously extended forgiveness will the tension in your home begin to dissipate."

...and get a clear picture of what forgiveness looks like. In this situation, forgiveness means moving past your anger and frustration so that you can live more fully in the love you feel for your kids. After all, love is what will carry them most strongly through life—not the things you buy them or the activities you schedule for them. So, how do you go about forgiving?

"Since you are the adult, it is essential for you to set your emotions and upset to the side for the moment, so that you can understand your children better and communicate with them more effectively," Dr. Dincalci instructs. "Don't negate your feelings—after all, they're there for a good reason!—just put them to the side so that you can understand your kids' feelings and views. Make doubly sure that you have explained your family's financial circumstances from their perspective, not just your own. And remember: true two-way understanding will promote change, while anger will elicit empty words."

Apply judicious and consistent consequences. Many people mistakenly believe that forgiveness is about turning the other cheek to be hurt again, condoning what's wrong, or letting yourself be walked over. That, Dr. Dincalci insists, is not the case. In fact, mature forgiveness is characterized by setting reasonable limits that make everyone safer and happier. As a parent, you've got to apply judicious consequences if you want to move behavior.

"Make sure your kids know that everyone in the family is making sacrifices," Dr. Dincalci suggests, "and make sure that there is no doubt as to what the consequences will be if the rules are broken. In my time as a school psychotherapist, I often encountered parents who were reluctant to carry out punishments because they didn't want to lose their kids' love and approval. Well, this isn't the time to be Mr. or Mrs. Nice Guy. If you aren't consistent with taking away privileges or making your teen pay cell phone overages, for example, lessons will never be learned—and the cycle of resentment will be perpetuated."

Lastly, tap into the power of positive reinforcement! Believe it or not, research shows that positive reinforcement, not punishment, is the most effective way to change behaviors in humans! So whenever you catch your child pitching in, compliment her! "I saw you go back to turn that light out—great!" Or, "Thanks for being so careful not to rip your clothes while you were out on the playground!"

"Please take this to heart when dealing with your kids," Dr. Dincalci urges. "Sometimes positive reinforcement can be challenging because it requires more mindfulness and effort on your part, but it's also far more effective. Sure, punishment and anger might get compliance, but at what cost?"

"I'm sure you'll agree that the current economic environment is bad enough as it is," concludes Dr. Dincalci. "There's no need to add further stress and anxiety to your life because of money-related misunderstandings and resentment in your house. I urge you to work to forgive your children if they've been less-than-helpful as you try to save money. You might not have to work as hard as you think, because with love, hearts open on both sides. And so do eyes!"


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About the Author:

For the past eighteen years, Dr. Jim Dincalci has been working on methods to help people forgive, and for the past forty he has professionally used emotional, spiritual, mental, and physical ways to help people feel better and heal their lives. His methodology integrates psychology, hypnosis, and brain studies, as well as time-proven spiritual methods and perspectives, such as specific prayers, meditations, and inspirational viewpoints that aid in forgiving.

The author of How to Forgive When You Can't, Dr. Dincalci earned his master's degree in counseling psychology, as well as doctorates in religious studies and divinity. In addition to years of private practice, his counseling experience includes facilitating domestic violence groups and working for the Hawaii Departments of Health and Education as a clinical therapist in the state's school system. He has also taught his forgiveness work in universities, hospitals, schools, and churches.

Dr. Dincalci experienced his own forgiveness transformation in 1993, and his goal is to enable others to feel better and heal their lives as well.

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